[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
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Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*