Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
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If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Donating blood today to make room for more food
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.