[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
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[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.