One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
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I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
for all #parents out there
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month