Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
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CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
my first dose meeting my second
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.