you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
You Might Also Like
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.