🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
You Might Also Like
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.