The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
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It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“