I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
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me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP