Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
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Love this one 😂🧟
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??