This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
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That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?