The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
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I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.