very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
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Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
The French cow says MEUX…
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”