when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
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I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*