[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
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“i am a sweet baby”
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
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I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.