Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
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It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.