The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
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Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.