“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
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We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go