Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Social Media and Real life
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
This is my brand.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}