Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
You Might Also Like
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.