Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
my nickname in college
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.