Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot