Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
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Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.