Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine