I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
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@funTweeters I am at your service….
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes