I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
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[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.