Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
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A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.