“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
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You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.