A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Hot hot hot 🥵
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
the #horror is real!