Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
You Might Also Like
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.