I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
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I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Education is vital
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.