*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
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ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”