FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
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I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
no cat here
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.