My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
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Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Received some very disappointing news today
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?