I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
next level snooze
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I am all good here, 😂😉