me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
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Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Don’t we all.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Stop being racist to kettles.