My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Me driving through Toronto