I am HOWLING at this
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Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐