Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.