got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
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Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
This is sending me to another galaxy
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.