INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
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I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear