I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.