Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
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Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*