I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I’m about to risk it all