me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)