Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
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Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
🙂🐾
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
“What?”
– Jude
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]