HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
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The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.