The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter