My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
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One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
😅😅😅
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Thursday Thought.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum