[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
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Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!