Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Poetry is my passion
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”